Don'ts Of Friendship
There’s this word you useallthe time. It’s a seemingly harmless word –
it’s close to meaningless, really – but it’s slowly, subversively
tainting your relationships.
Look back over any recent texts and emails you’ve sent to friends. If
they look something like this, you’re caught in this word's trap. “I’d
loveto hang out! But I’m really busy.”
“Sorry I didn’t get back to you earlier! I’ve been so busy.”
“What’s going on with me? Just busy as usual!”
You guessed it. The single-word saboteur is“Busy.
”It’s a word that’s stealthily driving your friends away, and it’s time to eliminate it from your social vocabulary.
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with actually being busy – people
can certainly have many obligations and still maintain great
relationships. It’s not being busy that drives people away, it’s the
word itself.
Let’s discuss the top three reasons it’s time to be done with “busy”… and three ways to replace it with something better.
1. Everyone is Busy. In this day and age, saying you’re busy is
basically like saying you’re alive. Being busy may once have been an
indicator of importance; it may once have implied that many people and
projects rely on you. Now, it’s a filler word that can be applied to any
situation.
You could be 10 years into your job and be “busy.” You could be
between jobs and be “busy.” You could be vacationing a lot and be
“busy.” The word itself no longer relates to any specific, making it
basically meaningless.
And meaningless language is a problem for relationships because it
doesn’t help other people understand what, specifically, you’re going
through. It actually impedes mutual understanding.
2. It’s Open to (Negative) Interpretation.
The vague natureof saying “I’m really busy” leaves the real reason
why you’re being unavailable open to interpretation. While many people
will accept “being busy” as enough of a reason for not hanging out the
first few times you use it, eventually your friends will see it as a
veil over a more sinister reason for not hanging out. Maybe you don’t
like them anymore and are too afraid to say it.
In other words, “busy” allows others to fill in the blank of your
true intentions. Often, they will fill in the blank with something
negative. In a worst case scenario, friends may feel like “being busy”
is a way of blowing them off without having to state a reason for doing
so.
3. It’s a “Not Right Now.” Oftentimes, “being busy” simply means that
you have higher priorities right now than seeing friends – which is
totally fine. You may be caring for a child or launching a new product;
there are lots of legitimate reasons why friendships fall down one’s
list of priorities. The issue is that “ being busy” doesn’t communicate
any of that.
In one of my previous posts, 5 Phrases That Can Kill a Relationship, I
say that the phrase “not right now” is a relationship killer because it
fosters a feeling of rejection. “Busy” is the friendshipequivalent of
“not right now.” It lacks a sense of caring about the other person and
fosters distance as a result. That being said, just because “busy” is
not a word that generates closeness, that doesn’t mean you can’t
communicate the same thing in a way that does generate closeness. Here
are some tips for telling your friends you can’t right now without
hurting their feelings.
1. Be Specific.
There’s an easy way to eliminate the vagueness of “busy” and that’s
by telling your friends specifically what you’re busy doing. Of course,
being specific takes a bit more of your time and effort – something that
can be challenging when you’re really swamped. But it’s worth doing
because the difference in how the message is received is significant.
Let’s say you invite a friend to your birthday party and she writes
back, “I’d love to but I’m really busy!” Alternatively, she writes back,
“I’d love to but Jack has Karate that evening and he specifically asked
me to watch him this time. Have some champagne for me though!” Feel the
difference? The second message explains your friend’s reasoning, gives
context, and communicates that she’s still invested in your happiness.
The first message, frankly, is a blow-off.
2. Set a Time Frame. If you’re busy because of an especially
difficult crunch time either at work or at home, it’s helpful to make
your friends aware of how long this “busy” time will last. For example,
if you know your product will launch in a month and you’re schedule will
open up soon thereafter, communicate your desire to reconnect with
everyone then. Even if the product slips and the month turns into two,
your friends will appreciate that you expressed a desire to be together
again as soon as you can.
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