Motivation
Can you teach kindness?
Why is it important for us to teach kindness?
It’s easy for us to assume those of us who’ve grown up in families that value kindness
will, naturally, be kind. Life is complicated though, and if the
culture of our school, college or workplace is unbalanced, we may find
those things we value are conflicting and competing with each other. We
might know kindness is important, but if we’re suddenly learning not to
expect it, or that it isn’t valued or is seen as a sign of weakness, it
can cause us to hesitate before we act, however uncomfortable that makes
us feel.
Children who turn to Kidscape are often as bewildered by
the bystanders as they are by the bullies – those who they thought were
kind, but who do nothing to stand up for them when bullying
starts. They believe it must be something about them that’s to blame,
and that knocks their confidence even more. That’s where learning comes
in; driving change by providing the information, skills and confidence
children – and all of us – need to be able to live our values.
How can our experience with kindness (or unkindness) at school affect our relationship with it as adults?
Schools say that, for a long time, education has
undervalued what kindness can bring to adulthood and even propagated the
idea that unkindness or bullying is part of growing up – preparing
children for adulthood in some way. It’s clear, though, that bullying
brings no benefits at all – either to the bully or the bullied. It can,
instead, trigger a cycle of victimisation that can last a lifetime.
Studies have shown victims of bullying, including very able children,
stand a much lower chance of doing well at school and are more likely to
experience depression, anxiety and poor physical health as adults.
What if past experiences with unkindness make us afraid to show kindness for fear of looking weak?
So many people ask that question because they’ve been
made to feel foolish or been bullied for showing empathy in the past. I
was shocked when research showed hundreds of thousands of young people
being bullied every day for being kind, or dropped from groups because
they were caring for a parent or sibling at home, or ostracised for
standing up for the underdog in their class. Naturally they’re going to
carry that with them, and even wonder if kindness is worth it.
But some of the experts I talked to had helped children
see that it was not being kind that led to them being bullied – it was
being different. It was, crucially, others’ lack of respect and
understanding of those differences. The same experts were helping
schools identify how inequitable environments – the age-old
popular/unpopular culture – can allow differences to be stigmatised and
bullying to thrive, and children who seem strong and confident to cross a
line and start building popularity by becoming manipulative and
controlling.
So how do we teach kindness?
There can be a real lack of understanding behind
unkindness. For example, the young carer, who is often late for school
as a result of a parent’s ill health, and who’s never available to
attend social events, can become isolated and vulnerable to bullying
without their peers recognising why. The child on the end of homophobic
bullying, because of their looks or hobbies, can feel abused and
worthless, while the rest of the class hearing so-called ‘gay banter’
gets used to mocking rather than respecting people who are different.
Research into ‘bystanding’ demonstrates that people who
are given a seminar on compassion, or were empowered to help others, are
more likely to go against the majority and help someone in need. But
the schools and charities I visited illustrated what a complicated thing
bullying is. Children require so much more than just an instruction to
be kind.
Out of this comes a realisation that lessons in kindness
and school’s anti-bullying policies had to break down barriers and
create opportunities via mentoring, lunch clubs or visiting role models.
Not to single out or patronise children, but to help them understand
each other (their disability, family situation, sexual orientation,
religion), and to nurture friendships in a more proactive way. Then,
marginalised children rediscover their confidence and place in a group,
while children who’d misunderstood them are given the chance to come out
of their comfort zone or clique and learn about differences, and about
themselves, too.
Young people can be pretty marvellous when given the
opportunity, and teachers say they experience a new strength and
self-awareness that had nothing to do with being popular and everything
to do with the new mood of understanding, equality and empathy in the class.
Everyone – from world leaders to teachers – is becoming
more aware of the need for tolerance, inclusion and community
engagement. Supporting a change of culture is a good start. Create a more equitable place to work,
where being kind and supportive is the norm. If there’s resistance to
that, is it coming from those who want to defend the status quo? It can
come from those people who don’t really want to share the wealth and
benefits of social inclusion and who, if they’re honest, are slightly
fearful of those who are different because of a disability, ethnic or
social background, or sexual orientation perhaps.
How can we cultivate strength with kindness?
Perhaps by busting the myth that to be strong we have to be powerful and popular, and by promoting the fact that strength comes through better understanding and engagement with people. We can do that in our jobs, in our home, in our schools – in so many ways. And who knows where it could take us?
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